My Contract Experience with Contact Signing

For all of us within the Asian footprint of Fox channels on cable, we get most of the US series a season or half after their telecast in the States. It used to be much worse with free-to-air. So, when media analysts talk about content and competition benefits, consumers have to add that cable brings a great deal more value to our set-tops because of the earlier and even immediate access to aired content. Although we watched it late (five months after telecast in the US), viewers here are now enjoying "Switched At Birth" on Star World (StarHub channel 501). The title is somewhat cheesey and you can imagine what family dramas are all eventually going to be about - growing up, adolenscent rebellion, spousal infidelity, pre-martial sex and probably unwanted pregancy. The script-writers are stuck with what Hollywood reporters say are "hot current issues". Actually, the one thing which this series seeming struck gold with was using and featuring a cast which included real deaf actors. Marlee Matlin won our hearts early and it was always great to watch her on TV after her Academy Award performance those decades ago. Yet, her sophistication and determination did not make her the poster girl for promoting informed contact between the hearing audience and the deaf. This was mainly because her use of signing was not part of the whole feature or plotline, but something supplemental to either the character or the story arc. In Switched at Birth, we have two prominent and very talented young actors - Katie Leclerc and Sean Berdy - that sign each other, and with their parents, and the background soundtrack is almost muted at these times, to lend effect to the hearing audience. Of course, in subtle reality, deaf people don't exactly "hear" but they constantly are aware of various changes in their environment, through vibrations of sort. Not much unlike how a hearing person might perceive the barometric change in the environment before the onset of rain in the tropics (where high humidity makes the effect more pronounced). What inspired me with this series was that whole dialogue were completed with signing, and it was captured by the camera in such a way, the viewers could also make out what the signed gestures and facial emphases were, which deliberately enhanced our exposure to this incredible language.
After meeting a few deaf friends via the Internet and through a social network community, I took to try ASL and bought a comprehensive phrase book. After some 20-odd pages, I could not converse but knew numbers and alphabets. That  expensive little book with colourful pictures of a man signing the vocabulary found itself a restful spot on my bookshelf for almost a decade.
But after watching three weeks of the series and some catch-up episodes I missed, I realise that what was signed on the show was "different" from how the "expensive little book" presented it. Then I followed up with Sean Berdy's YouTube.com channel and found his mesmerising video featuring Enrique Iglesias' "Hero" song. It was like magic; what he signed was clear, lucid, and simply made it so possible to understand and mimic. There was that angelic expression on his face communicating the wide spectrum of emotions from pain to deep love, and all the while his hands flitted about in harmonious gestures, as if it was meant to match the rhythm and the lyrics - the way the wind blows and you can't feel it watching it on screen, but the hem of a skirt or the folds of a silken curtain curls, and you "get it".
There seemed to be something more about "signing" than I thought and I did not have any deaf person to get in touch with to learn or practise, not that it would be a good idea, short of enrolling in a formal course. But intuitively, I knew that signing should be easy enough to pick up and establish a basic vocabulary. The question is, whether it was like some sport and one needed a particular aptitude for it?
At the local library just a week ago, I chanced on an Idiot's Guide edition to ASL. The foreword written by the authors - a mother/daughter team, spoke to me in concrete ways and made me confident. Their objective was to create an opportunity to increase contact between deaf and hearing people, not because it was important, but because signing was infact easy, so easy, children learn it even before they might a formal language like "English". That fact struck me.
I flipped through the book and the first chapters did not touch on signing the alphabets. That shocked and pleased me. Instead, what the authors did was brilliant: they explained how signing came to be, how deaf people learn it, that signing was in fact a language with a syntax of its own (closer to conversational Japanese than to English), and was adapted into a version called Contact Signing, to facilitate usage between the deaf and those who hear. Then, there is also signed English, which is labourous to use. There was ASL - American Sign Language, which most English-speaking deaf persons would learn and use among themselves, and incorporate some lip-reading and speaking to facilitate their integration with the hearing society. Then there is Contact Signing, which is what most hearing people would learn and use with the deaf. And finally, signed English, as spoken of before.
So Contact Signing was basically what I needed to learn and learn fast, so that I could enjoy it and build up confidence to use it, with minimal preparatory practice. (There is in fact no one I can do that with, for now.) Investigating this edition of the Idiot's Guide further completely surprised me! I found that I like the way the pictures and context were laid out and the invaluable bits to note - such as what was possibly not polite or useful practices when signing with a deaf person, or things simply "not to do". After just three days of gobbling up the pages and skipping the more sophicated signs which would need a DVD or check on YouTube.com to verify the flow of motion for the gestures, I felt I knew quite a bit. Then I added up what I saw on the music video and the show. To my surprise, when watching the series catch-up and the video, I picked up nuances in the way the actors signed, which I missed before, or could not have known just from the static pictures. The difference was the intensity of their signs, which added emotion and emphasis to what they were saying. Also, signing as I knew it well now, is not the same as conversational English. That idea alone, allowed me to make much fuller sense of what I was learning in "signing" because I did not allow the English syntax and grammar rules to interfere with what I needed to say or expected to "read"/"see" signed to me.
I am still at an infancy stage, and like all beginners in any language, will be more prepared to express myself in a limited way then to understand immediately what is expressed to me in sign.
But I will practice by watching all the available content on TV or the Internet or DVD as I can, to load my my familiarity with this new language. Just a few nights ago, I reviewed the Idiot's Guide before I slept, and exhausted from taking in more and more "signs", I fell asleep. I found myself suddenly awake at 3 am, with my hands signing automatically in the air. That was a real joy to me. So, I made a contract with myself to practice and master the basics of Contact Signing, and to be unafraid to try it with the next deaf person I encounter, who would be happy to accommodate my new found appreciation for signing my dialogue with me. So, I posted some notes of thanks to Sean Berdy on his Twitter and Facebook pages, because his appearance and craft as an actor, and being a deaf performer, simply helped me lose myself in this new frontier of learning and being.

Fresh paint and working in bright sunlight

 

Grilles fitted over our windows - especially in low rise flats - are still unsightly. Interestingly, in Holland, lower floor apartments are not permitted to have these as the hinder escape in emergencies. And at higher floors, these are intended for suicide prevention. Singapore flats are fitted with these as a preventive measure to deter criminal break-ins. It's the same function item, but depending on the historical-social cultural landscape you are influenced by (in this case, British or Dutch), the rules, practice and preference for these metal grilles across your windows vary.

Fortunately, these ones over my rear room window - sort of an annexe room - can slide aside. But that is for the unusual need to have flat occupants put out the laundry in these long bamboo poles (colloquially known in Malay as "gala"). These hang outside the windows to catch the windy draft and sun light for the clothes to dry.

I just re-painted the annexe room and turned it into a cosy workspace which is beautifully sunlit and more airy, until these afternoon Westerlies (monsoon from Sumatra which blow in from the South-west, hence the name) thunder in.

Still, the ambient light is so good that I can work without turning on the room light or desktop lamp, which makes for better ecological concern. Being more airy as well, I hardly need to have the ventilation giro-fan switched on -- until the computer heats up, of course.

It is just a joy to finally paint the spot and get things all cleaned and arranged. But the need to clear out some collectibles and unwanted items continues. Some items are plainly too costly to dispose off or send to the recycling centre. The Nano-Cube (original item) with acquarium lights/pump/filters and CO2 tank cost more then S$1200 and that is simply too wasteful to dispose off. I will have to check around if anyone would like to have it and would be happy to pass these along. Then again, I never know when I might want to re-start my freshwater acquarium again. It was fun and wonderful to have, but involved a great deal of water and cleaning too, plus power, which did not make for great eco-sense as it was not a significant carbon sink but used up significant power and water, and included a CO2 tank to fuel the underplants in their photosynthesis in artificial lighting. Acquaria like these are in fact, carbon costly in principal, and operate in a reverse day (illuminated at night and dark in the day) mainly to be an in-door attraction when the owner is at home in the evening and retiring from the day.

Back From The Long Retreat

It has been a while indeed, and the time away was well used to refresh, renew and rejuvenate. It was how time was spent, not how money was spent travelling abroad as an escapade. Someone just told me that Singaporeans generally feel so couped up with life on the island that being on a bike and abroad represents all the freedom the spirit can enjoy, which provides a sense of escape and liberation. Unfortunately, that theory was intended to explain why we have had bike fatalities involving Singaporean riders abroad and locally. I am not so sure that theory holds water.
But I can share that the last five months of private time at home was extremely gratuitious and proved very helpful, spirit - mind - body wise.
The time in retreat is now over and I must needs be back at work and at life, gathering back together the loose pieces of opportunity and cares, which have been indulgently laid aside during my retreat.
The most important gift of the retreat is the release of certain burdensome cares, two in particular:
first is that of long time disappointment and despise for a relationship within the family that previously brought nothing but frustration; and,
second is that of the realisation of discrete trust being essential in all matter of work and friendship. Some friendships - founded at work and grew beyond the office - are still to be treated with the same cautionary wisdom - simply because the persons involved in these relationships grew at a different pace and with another paradigm of wisdom and values. So, not all friendships are to be treated the same, and not all friends offer the same wisdom and maturity of person.
What's new then? Nothing to most - perhaps - but we come to our own realisations as we ponder and reflect on events and circumstances that now make up our personal history, and with these come the lessons we can take with us.
So the bottom line is this no different from what the ancient philosopher proferred: Know Thyself. Sophists may sneer now at my "late blooming" so to speak, but what else can be more profound that experiencing the many dimensions of an ancient truth in a personal and real way. I have let go of the relationships that are futile; and must be boldly scrupulous about where opportunity and utility meets, to then take rein and find yield. To the dockside, where the yacht is prepared, and to the weather ahead, make plan and provision to leave the hugged coastline and venture to welcome havens...

Upgrading Windows 7 - Ultimate Success & Sacrifice

Wow. I wrote an email to the MS-Captain championing the upgrade programme to Windows 7 in Singapore and was surprised that they were able to check my record, contact me within 24 hours and had an engineer (Ramaesh) speak to me to arrange an online remote assist session the next working day. Firstly, that is "tops" and next, is that the engineer Ramaesh is the eptiome of patience and logic, and a sheer inspiration to work with. I can only imagine how tough a job like his was, dealing with a dozen thousand calls and a myriad list of weird (and maybe wonderful) problems that need to be solved daily. You must enjoy working with the maze of the OS and the manufacturer's specifications to successsfully troubleshoot and present a working, efficient, solultion.
Anyway, after a tireless session, the laptop seemed to jerk back into working fine, being able to shut down and log off a few times.
Sadly, after we got offline, and I let the Windows Updater download the latest updates, the laptop simply eased back into the redolent self and refused to shut down properly.
So, I forced shut-down after letting the CPU try and work itself through the processes for about one hour. Then starting it up again I decided that "enough is quite enough" and it was time for me to handle the situation I felt was best, and was prepared to try. Here is what I did:

>Control Panel >Recovery
Then indicated that I was wanted to reinstall Windows (7) and had the disk at hand.
Inserted the disk but found that it was not needed yet. FYI.
The system then successfully shut down and rebooted with a new light blue screen with command selection options on it.
First was, to reboot from CD or DVD, and >DVD, inserted the Windows 7 disc into the drive and waited.
It booted up and the 1 - 2 - 3 task bar begin filling out as the DVD whirred to life. Good!
Then I had a choice to select where to load the OS.
I selected "advanced" to view the options and could see the manufacturer partitions:
0 partition 10GB for OEM content - which I , and
1 partition 490 GB for program content - which I .
Then with these all cleared, I allowed the Windows loaded to download the new OS into <1 partition>, letting the original OEM 0 partition of 10 GB to be sacrificed. It was empty and that was more important. Within that cache, I knew I lost some cool stuff (PowerDVD) but also finally got rid of some very intrusive and troublesome application software (MyWinLocker).
The Windows 7 loaded perfectly and before long, after keying in the Product Key, the Windows 7 Home Screen popped up and I checked the Programs list and found everything clean.

So, the tip about upgrading your laptop with Windows 7 is this:
Wipe your OEM apps clean. Smarter folks can save some of these drivers and apps in a HDD and then reinstall these with an updater online. I just wanted to see what an average Joe with low IT EQ can do.
So far, what I did worked beautifully.

The added tips:
(a) ensure there is no Internet Security installed beforehand, and do not wire up/connect to the Internet until after you have successfully installed the new OS;
(b) do download ALL required/essential update content in sequence and DO NOT use your PC while this is being done. Just be patient. Do shut down or restart the laptop after each successful download.
(c) download any updated driver for your hardwire after Windows is well-updated and stable (no further essential updates). I avoided ALL optional updates until the last stage when I had loaded in other software I needed.
(d) now I loaded in Office 2007 and its updates. There was a small problem with the service pack 2 not being successfully installed, but I knew this was not an issue, as the system will notify me later on when I needed to do this.
(e) then I loaded back my Easy Transfer File (5GB) from my back-up notebook, so that basic preferences and favourites will be automatically transferred to this upgraded laptop. During the migration process you must not (absolutely NOT) use the PC until the process is complete. Accept and skip any errors, if you can.
(f) after restarting to put the migrated content into effect, I was now prepared to install my Windows Live Mail and its essentials. (Or do this before your Migration process. Either way, just one installation at a time is safer, but takes a longer time.)
(g) Now I opened up Ramaesh's last email to me which linked me to the updated Windows 7 ESET Smart Security 4 version for download online. (Thanks, Ramaesh. By going back to your software support site, you usually can view and download new drivers etc. but have your product key or password/ID at hand and ready). I did not even need my ESET disc as inputting the password and ID immediately recognised my valid account and the download went ahead smoothly. After my ESET was launched, I awaited some time before running the updater and it worked sweet!
(f) I restarted again, and now looked around to prioritise what other application software I needed and had to get the updated version online. My HP C5280 All-in-One printer had the biggest cache of files to download and I did this overnight. Then next was my SONY PMB software for both my videocam and two cameras (a850 and NEX-5), and wonderfully, SONY.jp had a notification screen that popped up after you have installed the software and launched it, to download the updated version from their website. This is being done as I blog this. Sweet again.

So, ultimately, it means this:
1. OEM applications pre-installed in your laptop is very likely to have elements which can be disruptive to your Upgrade to Windows; you can back-up drivers and apps into a separate back-up drive if you know how to do this;
2. Be prepared to wipe and reformat the laptop HDD and work from scratch to rebuild your PC.
3. Do it progressively, and take your time, doing each task successfully before the next.

So, now, there are just a few more applications to work on, and so far, all my drivers are working via the Microsoft platform and not the manufacturer's pre-installed drivers. I think that says something about Windows 7, and of course, that terrific after-sales customer support service! I am happily back with MS as a fan.

Spectacular Lunar Eclipse Spoilt By Shrouds of Clouds

I woke up at 0030 hrs this morning, after hitting the sack early at 9 pm last night. The motivation was to awake at 0130 hrs on 16 June 2011 and set-up by NexStar reflector telescope and 200mm telezoom Sony a850 to capture what promised to be the longest full moon eclipse for the next 18 years. For a moment, the moon, which began losing its perfect disc of light rather early, was becoming quite well doused in the earth's shadow by 0230 hrs. Unfortunately, huddled in a deeply dark spot near my flat and with two sets of tripods with equipment mounted atop and pointing south-west into the sky above, I looked like a hapless ET hopeful, or a dorky nerd with a cosmological fantasy.
But it turned out to be a long and futile wait, as the skies remained ruddy pink and despite the strong wind, strove wilfully to shroud the sight of the blood red moon from me and my equipment. So, even with the best might and preparedness, one hapless observer could only note the local meteorological details, and virtually nothing of the orbital delight that was unfolding above the shrouds of cloud overhead.
I will have to await the news reports tomorrow to see what I missed, and the only consolation I got was getting online and looking at my Google homepage. The middle "O" was a large moon, waxing slightly, and below the brand was a sliding bar which moved from left to right, and as it did so, the moon was hid in shadow, turned ruddy red with the finest deep burgundy wine, and then unabashedly lost its dark and returned to its silvery light.
I found myself smiling,and actually silly but actualised, just being caught offguard and surprised by the people at Google for doing what they did.
For this grown up little boy, it was quite good, and almost the same thing, even if was not the real thing at all. It was about being surprised and observing an ancient phenomenon which is also rare.

Why Windows 7 Upgrade was all about laundering

My Vista Premium OS Acer 4810T laptop is less than two years old, running on the Pentium Dual Core chip, before the new i-3, i-5 and i-7 Intel multi-core chips were launched. Since then, the Vista had many problems, which I survived. One burnt out motherboard, and two damaged HDDs and one replaced LCD TFT. If you consider all these, you would think that Acer makes cheap and lousy laptop notebook personal computers. But the history and facts require some objective delving, and some of those failures were because my notebook was travelling alot, and I could have protected it better.
The after sales service by Acer was good enough for me to feel loyal and I did not hesitate to buy an extended warranty for the notebook for another five years.
Just then three weeks ago, after my Vista 4810T was quite stable, the only real bug was that the CD-DVD player would hang with any disc placed inside the tray and cause the dreaded Vista Blue Screen of death. Playing around with CDs to DVDs and other discs became a mini-scientific laboratory business. Do this, it sort of works, but do that, and it simply hangs; any other time, you get the Blue Screen of Death, and the notebook reboots.
So, after running the Windows 7 Advisor and all things looked great - just a Toshiba Bluetooth application and the Intel Pro wifi application did not have Windows 7 drivers, it warned. Checked other websites and found that users noted that these two would still work, except if you ran their respective diagnostics.
So I went down to Challenger and bought a Windows Upgrade Anytime key at around 10.35 pm. Back home at around 11.15 pm, I excitedly tried to launch it and found that the website said that this application was no longer available. It looked like a US site. I tried the Singapore Microsoft site and it showed that this was available, but click the links here and there and you realise that the SG site only featured a store catalogue of products but nothing you can buy online or download.
You then realise that Intellectual Property zones actually is far from globalisation... Like the Warner Home Video digital download you get free with Code 1 DVDs, when you try to download it, you find that your player codec (Code 3 or Singapore/South East Asia) prevents you from doing so. Left hand in US sells you a Code A Blu Ray disc with free digital version to download but Right hand does not recognise your right to do so, even if your disc is legitimate. I wonder if this may ever be a contributing factor to piracy? LESSON LEARNT: do not buy Blu Ray discs with Digital Copy included. Why waste the money or time.
Now, at 11.45 pm, and rather exasperated, I quickly decide to return to Challenger by taxi which cost me S$12. When to the Customer Service and spoke to Ivan Tham and indicated that I could happily buy the Windows Upgrade Home Premium version at S$235 but asked him to help me with getting a refund. Wisely, he could not guarantee me but said that after Microsoft verifies that the software key was not unlocked, then it may be possible. I think now that the S$139 paid for the Windows upgrade is a "write off" as was all the time and cab fare spent.
For the sake of the idea that Windows 7 is so well approved by so many people, it may be worth it. So I thought. Now, I finally got the disc and I needed and at 1.30 am the next day, I sat down on my desk, with my laptop all ready. Backed up and removed key content, and even used the Windows Easy Transfer so that my Acer W500 Iconia tablet PC would have everything I needed installed and set up. The tiny built-in memory was somewhat tricky but I was consummate about making it work and put some niffy effort and thinking into how I used the 32GB SD card slot to park all other non-program data in it.
Then I launched into the Windows 7 Upgrade on my laptop, which in theory, just meant that you could keep all your existing software and this would simply, well, upgrade the OS.
Yeah.
Hahaha.
They designed it that way for maybe two PCs in the whole world and every body else is a sucker. And those experts who got suckered, were too wounded to admit and must have conspired to simply gloat - "Oh yes, it was really easy, and mine worked perfectly" while they secretly squirreled off and bought a replacement PC with Windows 7 pre-installed. The others, simply and finally learnt their lesson and migrated to Mac.
Did I tell you that I dated a MacBookAir last year because my Acer 4810T Vista notebook was having serious hiccoughs? Well, after holding fast in belief and consorting to all sort of pragmatic solutions (like using an external disc player unit instead of every touching the built-in unit on the Acer 4810T), I decided that I could live with the whacky Vista Acer notebook. Buying the Acer W500 Iconia with the Windows 7 showed me that I did in fact like Windows 7, and the Acer tablet technology more. In fact, the Iconia W500 made me a bigger Acer fan and a better Windows (7) fan.
So, back to the fateful Monday three weeks ago, when I began installing the Windows 7 Home Premium upgrade on the Acer 4810T. For starters, it seemed fine and wow, really, cool.
I logged on to Facebook and bragged about it and quite simply, jinxed it all.
Firstly, the ESET firewall could not be re-started.
Then the real Windows 7 Balrog began the attack like a zillion arrows across the hallowed depths and darkness of Khazad-dum. The Windows Updater seemed to have heaps, and heaps to download and install, and after attempting to re-start, the machine began to hand. Logging off... but never. Shutting down... but never.
This went on for two days, and I skipped any winks, staying awake to download, repeat, shut-down, repeat, force re-start, repeat, wait, download, repeat, re-start. The experience could make Alan Ginsberg write 21 new poems and 4 new novellas on the evils of technology as drug and hell, and we are all the abused victims of rich and fat corporations that skimmed off our insatiable need for efficiency. Whatever happened to the human mind, memory, and fingers clicking away at key strokes hitting through a carbon ribbon and striking paper.
Came to a certain point, I knew my Acer 4810T was "Lost". Euphemistically and plainly. Some facts are wonderfully simple in truth and you cannot argue any other way.
So, ensuring that my Acer W500 Iconia was good enough for me to use for my work assignment the following week (that was, last week) to Hiroshima, Japan, I brough the notebook down to Acer and abbreviated the whole experience: Blue Screen of Death when loading disc in player, and yes, upgraded to Windows 7 and system constantly "hangs".
So, finally I was doing my laundry out in the open, and it is all hung out for the fact. Windows? Why just hang out the laundry outside on the clothes line to dry, right? Yes, Windows does not work and all it does it drive you outside to hang yourself, after your system hangs, hangs, and stays, hung!
Now, I look at th Windows logo on the screen at start-up and marvel.

1. With all this crappy problems, why there can not be another company like Adobe to create a really simple and great OS to rival Windows and Office?
Answer (from Steve Jobs): Mac, dummy!

2. So why can't Mac work with Flash?
Answer (Jobless Steve): Darn, you can't trust them Adobe folks. Did you notice how your Adobe Reader 9.2.0 now does not launch or work after installing Windows 7? (Yeah, wow, that is so true!)

What is the lesson, three weeks later, and with an Acer 4810T Windows 7 upgraded personal computer that is whacky and wonky and really slower than when you ran Vista on it, and now can't even run some software, or install, or uninstall, or well, even run reliably?

LESSON: never get Upgrades. Buy exactly what you want, use it and then dump it. At this rate, the greatest waste of our time is really TIME and ENERGY to simply keep things running.

Finally I got the iPad (64GB 3G + Wi-Fi)

Finally, after fooling around with the idea, it landed right into my hands. It's really an oversized iPod Touch 64GB, but makes browsing easier. The problems with Safari (ignored by Apple) are the same - no Flash etc. but it would have been great to jailbreak it and run Windows Mobile 7 on it.

The Truth About My Spiritual Vocation, and of Purgatory

There is a popular myth among devout Catholics (mostly women volunteers doing church work) that if you are single, intelligent, devout to some extent, and interested in the church activities, you have a vocation as a priest or religious. These vocation hunters (vultures or some other predatory noun may be too unpleasant to use) think they are doing the Holy Spirit's good work as they rant about and gossip about one or another's sons or brothers, boyfriend or stranger they just met, and astutely believe they can smell when one has such a vocation or not. It is a mystery of contradictions that in the same breadth or a few conversations later, they could abrogate their earlier confession. Very Islamic theologically, and less Christian influence of sort.

The truth is that vocations being a very personal call from God to the individual is both pre-destined as well as the co-operative action of human free will. And even if one's soul received that grace of God's primitive voice harking into the depths of the human heart and mind, as if haunting the spirit of the person until one yields, there are just very few such pre-destined souls even in Scripture to speak of. Remember that the Psalmist is certain about the pre-destination of God's grace, but not of man's response.

The idea of finding's one voice (voce, Latin), and the real root of the word (vocare, to call, in Latin) harked to Jesus inference in the Gospels of labourers being called to the fields by the Lord of the harvest (Luke 10:2). I like to think that it is both voce and vocare, the call and the voice that seeks to respond.

One responds according to our humanity, whether this is strengthened by upbringing and fervour, or because one asks the question interiorly and then seeks out the answer. My own upbringing did not lack fervour, but it lacked emotional stability from familial strength. The relationships I witnessed from my earliest youth was that of estrangement in the family: an abusive father, a distressed mother, and brothers who for the most part abandoned any interest in their siblings. Certainly I found strength in personal independence, but there was always going to be a longing for dependence, the affirmation of friendship and acknowledgement of giftedness and ability.

Therefore, I was not to know then - but understand it much now with the clarity of hindsight - that these were instigated in my soul by God to draw me on a spiritual journey because of the errors and other failings that were to alay my path in the decades ahead. In that sense, I can appreciate the pre-destination of a higher power. I can imagine my life if I was brought up atheist, or Buddhist, for example, and of the sort of ideas which would have enveloped and shaped my approach to life and interaction with the world. I could not imagine the violence that would have precipitated, though.

I cannot say that my own disquietened soul benefitted in such a way that I was to be wholly peaceable and gentle; no, I think that my person was bred from some sort of violence at conception and throughout my own rearing, there was always abuse and physical violence. There was just a great deal of unresolved distress which permeated the environs; of course, that exists because of the denial by those involved in its creation in the first place, even to this day.

Therefore, the call I received was to a personal relationship with God in an intimate way, rather than those who's call was a gift of the grace of charity, where they could instinctively see Christ in the person of others as a reality, as Francis of Assisi, Ignatius of Loyola and Catherine Laboure, and all the saints did. I think anyone who receives this grace of charity is called to serve the Lord in a sacramental as well as missionary way, within the actual life of the Church. For me, it was like wearing the inside of the garment outside. I was called to love the Lord, in order that I would stay alive within the Church. I was called, to be saved.

Protestant Christians have completely misunderstood this particular difference in how the Lord called for labourers and the call for sinners to repentance and salvation. They defined incorrectly that the garment of salvation is the same garment of priesthood of the victim. The garments washed white by the blood of the Lamb is what we all professed Christians wear; the office of the apostles is not preached by any of the apostles as the good news per se. Instead, what was preached, was the message of salvation, not of priesthood, which is that of Christ, shared by these apostles by their appointment (laying of hands).

It is that presbyterian and espiscopalian office which I never had to aspire to, or feel it was to be worn by me as if destined by some divine order. It could have been a choice, but not one which instinctively I would be drawn to because of grace. Never for one moment in my life can I say that I see Christ in my neighbour with that sort of clarity the saints describe. Instead, I can say more easily when the face of that which is unspeakable makes its presence felt before me. (This is true for instance when a mentally unstable man appeared in front of the school chapel and as he cursed, I felt the need to hold fast to faith. I was 15 then. And as I flipped the Bible at the Chapel's entrance open, it fell on Jeremiah 31:33-34, and those words I read aloud where permanently imprinted on my mind.)

I find it inspiring to read of Mother Teresa of Calcutta who finds Jesus in those desolate and inconsolable, abandoned and in the nadir of life. To that end, the reflection of Catherine of Genoa's life as meditated on and preached by the Pope on 12 January 2011 makes particular sense to me: "We must never forget that the more we love God and remain constant in our prayers, the more we will truly manage to love those around us, because in each individual we will see the face of the Lord, Who loves without limit or distinction".   

This mystical awareness of purification of the soul on earth, as experienced by Catherine, expresses the very nature of my own relationship with the Divine Light. She did not see Purgatory "as a place of transit in the depths of the earth: it is not an exterior fire, but an interior fire". Speaking of her experience of Purgatory, Benedict XVI continued, "the soul is aware of God's immense love and perfect justice; as a consequence, it suffers for not having responded to that love perfectly, and it is precisely the love of God Himself which purifies the soul from the ravages of sin". 

I did not see Purgatory as a place where souls transit between death and heaven, or limbo as a place either, but a special state of awareness - not intellectual alone, but in spirit - where one senses the perfection of God's Love, and being aware of one's less than perfect state, experiences that Perfection erasing and polishing away the rusticles of imperfection, not just on the surface, but through the whole self.

Yet, in this life, those rusticles of sin grow back fast - especially in those imperfections of habit and associated with the deepest human needs and desires. It is as if the DNA of our spiritual selves have mutated as well. It will take much more than a dousing of love to heal such agonies.

Purgatory therefore was already something the spirit experiences when the soul is not affixed to God by consent and affection. I think the sick and dying experience that sort of purification, which sweetly is often accompanied by consolation at the final moments. In some cases, perhaps not, and one does not know the Divine Mind well enough to guess where such destinies lie.

So, I want the matter to rest. I never had a sense of my vocation being directed towards the professed life, or I would have proceeded out of my own will. Instead, the call I felt was that of God saving me from any despair a soul might feel if it was abandoned by its Lover. And as for the current trials in my own life, these are part of my own mystical joy too - knowing that only through the intensity of absence, and of spiritual trust, can I find the sweet assurance of Providence at work in my life.